Fool Chapter 25

TWENTY-FIVETHE KING SHALL BE A FOOLAlas, your humble fool is the King of France. Actually, France, Britain, Normandy, Belgium, Brittany, and Spain. Perhaps more, I dealnt seen Cordelia since breakfast. She can be a terror when left to her throw devices, exactly she keeps the empire in wor powerfulness order and I adore her, of course. (As has constantly been the case.)Good Kent had his lands and prenomen restored, and was also given the claim Duke of Cornwall, and the attendant lands and properties. Hes retain the black beard and glamour given him by the witches, and seems to have convert himself that he is younger and more vibrant than the multitude of course of studys he carries on his back.Albany retained his title and lands and signed an oath of commitment to Cordelia and me, and I trust he will be true to it. Hes a decent, if dull chap, and with step forward G championril in his ear, his will be the way of virtue.Weve given Curan the title of Duke of Buckingham, and he acts as regent of Britain when we be not on the islands. Edgar took his title as Earl of Gloucester and returned to his home where he buried his father in the walls of the fortification temple built to his many gods. Hes started his own family and will no precariousness have many sons who will grow up to betray him or simply be dolts in the image of their father.Cordelia and I live in a number of palaces around the empire, traveling with an embarrassingly large entourage that includes Bubble and Squeak, as well as Shanker Mary and other loyal staff from the White Tower. I have a crashingly large throne, on which I hold court with garbage on one array (who has been given the title of Royal Minister of Wank), and my monkey, Jeff, on the other. We hear cases of the local farmers and merchants, and I adjudicate judgments, damages, and sentences. For a while I allowed monkey Jeff to pronounce sentences while I was off having lunch with the queen, giving him a petty plaque with various penalties to which he could point, but that had to stop when I returned one afternoon from a protracted Cordelia bonking to find that the cheeky little fellow had hanged the entire village of Beauvois for cheese violations. (Awkward, that, but the French understand. They are really serious about their cheese.) Most of the time justice can be satisfied with a bit of verbal humiliation, quote-calling, and pointed sarcasm, at which, it turns out, I excel, so I am viewed as a fair and just king and much be savord by my people, even the fucking French.We are at our palace in Gascony now, near northern Spain. Lovely, but very dry. I was just saying to froggy Queen Jeff today (he and Queen Burgundy are visiting), Its lovely, Jeff, but bloody dry. Im English, I require dampness. I feel as if Im drying out and becoming all crackly as we speak.Its true, Cordelia give tongue to. Hes always gravitated toward the moist.Yes, well, darling, we shant speak of that in move of Jeff, s h allway we? Oh, look Drool has sprouted an erection. Lets ask him what hes thinking about. Had his way with a knotted oak on the way here. A right large tree-shagging it was, too. Knocked down enough acorns to feed the village for a week. They wanted to have a special feast day in honor of the can declare him god of the tree-shag more fertility symbols there than you can flutter a stick at, innit?Cest la vie,47 said Jeff, in perfectly enigmatical fucking French.Later, as I was holding audiences with the public, there entered the great hall three ancient, bent figures. The witches of Great Birnam Wood. I suppose Id always know theyd show up at some time or another. Drool ran and hid in the kitchen. Jeff jumped on my shoulder and screeched at them. (Jeff the monkey, not the queen.)A year has passed for witches three,And we are here to collect our fee, said Rosemary, the green, cattoed witch.Oh, for fucks sake, youre on with the rhyming once again?A need was filled, a promise mad e,For service done we essential be paid, the witches chanted in unison.Just stop the rhyming, said I. And those rags are entirely too heavy for this climate. Youll get a rash on your warts and carbuncles if youre not careful.Youve been made a king and enchanted your true love to be yours forevermore, fool. We only want what is our due, said Sage, the most warty of the three. right so, rightly so, said I. But Cordelia is not enchanted to love me. She is with me of her own free will.Balderdash, said Parsley, the tall witch. We gave you three puffballs for three sisters.Aye, but I used the third to enchant Edgar of Gloucester, so he would fall in love with a laundress at his castle named Emma. Lovely lass with smashing knockers. Shed been mistreated by the bastard brother only seemed just.Still, the fleck was used. We will have our payment, said Rosemary.Of course. I have more hold dear than you crones could carry. Gold? Silver? Jewels? But Cordelia doesnt know of all of your mani pulations, nor that the ghost was her mother, and she mustnt ever. If you agree, name your reward, Ive important kingly things to accomplish and my monkey is hungry. Name your price, crones.Spain, said the witches.Fuckstockings, said the puppet Jones.